Letters are Easter Eggs without any practical use. They are dropped by some Hero monsters relevant to each letter's contents. "Letter to W. Wood" does not drop in game.
Diary of a Teenage Maenad
You won’t believe this, but My Hero came this way again, and guess what – he killed the stupid sorceress first AGAIN!! I’m so tired of being ignored. Am I not pretty enough for him? He’s so stupid.
Kat says there are plenty of fish in the sea, but what does food have to do with anything? How can I eat when I’m in LOVE? Sigh. I wish he’d pay attention to me. Maybe if I carried a better bow? I know a couple months ago he went right for Stupid Susan when she had that dumb flaming spear. But do I really want a guy that’s just going to pay attention to me for my loot? What about MY needs?
Boys are so stupid!
Grievances and Tribulations, Underworld division
Please remove bottom copy for your records.
Please describe the nature of your complaint:
Sword in belly.
Please describe what we can do to help:
Remove sword from belly.
Letter from Beastman Archer #783
It has been six weeks since heroboy came this way. Susan has been making eyes at me, and I have to admit that I find her quite charming. To be frank, this might partially be because she’s the only female satyr I’ve seen yet in these parts.
On that note, it’s appalling to see this kind of rampant sexism within the ranks of the Beastman Army. I’m sure there are plenty of qualified woman satyrs who would like a shot at military service. Heck, even the name of the organization is sexist! I’m sure the maenads don’t appreciate being a part of the BeastMAN Army. As such, I’ve begun lobbying for a more inclusive name, but have yet to decide on something more suitable. Beastperson Army? Beastpeople Corps? So far my efforts have been met with derision, but I’m confident that I will bring the brass around. They can’t afford a lawsuit with all the money they’ve lost from heroboy opening our chests and stealing all our gold.
I have to go now – our scouts saw heroboy coming on the horizon. Again, thanks for the CARE package. You have no idea how much our guys appreciated the cookies and body armor.
Mark (aka Beastman Archer #783)
Letter From Troy
Victory at last!
The Achaeans, those weak, puling fools, have finally admitted the superiority of our military might. Their pathetic siege has at last ended. You should have seen it, my friend – the sight of their ships turning tail and fleeing toward the horizon. Never before has the day dawned on a sight so sweet.
Tonight, we revel. After so many years of fighting, it will be nice to finally let my guard down and drink deep of the draught of Dionysus. Fathers, lock up your daughters – tonight I am on the hunt!
Karos the Younger
P.S. Almost forgot to mention this, but they left behind a magnificent – and quite large – wooden horse! I’m not quite sure what we’re meant to do with it. We already have some nice statues for decoration, and it doesn’t seem to have any practical use. Oh well, I guess we’ll just pull it inside and figure out where to put it later.
Letter to Mummy
Camp has been great. I’ve earned lots of merit badges, and Mr. Smithicus told me I was better at Bandaging and First Aid than anyone he’s ever seen! We also get to see a guest speaker every Wednesday. You should come – then everyone can see that I’m related to a famous wrapper!
The food is awful, though. They don’t know how to cook a decent meal for us undead folk. I wish someone would make the chefs urn their keep. Really, it’s a pretty grave situation altogether. In fact, yesterday something on my plate MOVED! I was really crypt out!
Anyway, enough about me. How are you doing down there in the land of sunshine and monoliths? Still making money off that pyramid scheme? Keep it up, and you’ll be Set for life!
Puniti the Unshriven, Jr.
The Amazing Artius
To feats of Wonderment and Awe
At his death-defying bravery
Into his hypnotic eyes
Come one, come all! For the first time ever, the Amazing Artius will dazzle the world with stunts and tricks to fright and delight the whole family. You’ve never seen anything like this! You won’t believe your eyes! Watch in wonder as a grown woman floats across the stage! Marvel at showers of gold that fall from thin air! And for the first time ever, the Amazing Artius will tame the untamable: see his mastery over the wild beasts of nature as he leads a live Yeti through hoops of fire!
LIMITED TIME ENGAGEMENT
Today I was given command of the 4th Armored Infantry Division. My abdomen trembles with excitement and a hunger for battle. I’ve been told that a group of four heroes is coming our way, and my men have been making their preparations. Our swords are sharp, our bellies are full, and our carapaces have been polished to a mirror sheen. Additionally, word has come down from HQ that we will be allowed to use the new bio-magical enhancements to enhance our strength and durability. This is standard operating procedure in cases dealing with more than one hero at a time, but I appreciate their quick response. The morale boost from this kind of support is something that simply cannot be underestimated.
But the time for talk is over – the enemy comes.
I am ready.
big boss demon say i haff to rite to explane akshun. OK.
it simple: gronk smash ukla cuz ukla make fun of gronks club. you see? i haff every reeson to smash ukla. no need to push gronk in pit of dispare.
i hope you see now that i had no choyce. pleese no pit of dispare? gronk thank you for your niceness!
O Dark Lord, hear my plea!
My death has come and come again. All the earth and all that lives upon it is born and reborn in the cycles of life and death, all is change and all is the same. I have felt the cruel bite of swords, the piercing of the arrow’s shaft. Flame has seared my flesh and cold chilled me to the marrow of my bones. All deaths have been mine, again and once again as the heroes come to where I stand, sword in hand, ready for the moment when I must die once more. As the fear and bloodlust take me, I raise my arm to strike, hoping against hope that this time – this once – I shall emerge the victor. It is not to be.
O Eater of Souls, hear me now! I am but a humble Daemon in the service of our great lord Hades. I have toiled for you these many ages. Please forgive my impudent request, but I feel compelled to ask – please, oh please, can you put the good loot somewhere else?
The Diary of Sorius
Today Phaedrus bet me that I couldn’t kill one of those little frog guys that have been running around the countryside. Is he kidding? They’re half my size and don’t even wear armor most of the time! This is going to be easy money.
I mean, really. What could go wrong?
Letter to Cleo
It has been weeks since the troubles came, weeks since I last beheld your beautiful face. I cannot continue this way. We have been separated too long. I pine for your touch. Your sweet lips, like pomegranate wine, are all that I can think of. I am consumed with longing, I burn with the desire to be near you once more.
The village elders do not wish us to leave the village borders, but I can wait no longer. Tonight I shall wait until father is asleep, then sneak under cover of darkness to your home in Rhodes. Please be waiting for me – I will throw pebbles at your window so that you know when I’ve arrived.
With all the love my heart can bear,
Lamia Grocery List
3 enchanted spears
2 T-bone steaks
Litter for chamberpot
Milk – 2 jugs
New scratching post for baby
Bow – for shooting
Bow – for hair
Welcome to Undeath!
Good morning, and welcome to the first day of the rest of your unlife!
You may be feeling confused. Frustrated. Disoriented. You may feel that you’ve been cheated or otherwise treated unfairly. We understand. This transition is difficult for most new souls, but we here at the Underworld Bureau of Soul Contentment are here to help. In this guidebook you will find a variety of helpful advice on these exciting topics:
Paying the Ferryman, Or What To Do With Those Coins On Your Eyes
The Three Judges, Or Why Kicking That Puppy Wasn’t Such a Good Idea After All
Socializing With Other Souls, Or How to Get a Life When You’re Dead
Haunting the Living, Or How to Say “Boo!”
...and much, much more!
So buck up, fellow. Despite your current condition, you still have many centuries of happy existence before you.
Liche King and Underworld Bureau Chief
Letter to W. Wood
My dear Mr. Wood,
I apologize for not writing sooner, but I thought that you might still be angry at me for that earlier incident. In any case, I trust that you are enjoying your stay down in the Pits? I’m told that it’s quite nice this time of year. Of course, I myself have been too busy working in the land of Men to make the visit myself, but I do intend to stop by someday. I believe that I may even be able to persuade your jailers to stop the torture for a few hours. I have some sway with upper management, if I do say so myself.
Well then. Much as I'd love to go on, I believe I’ll have to cut this short. I’m still on assignment, and I have much to do. I certainly wouldn’t want to fail at the task I’ve been given. As you well know, the effects of that can be disastrous.
Recipe for Karkinos Bisque
4 living Karkinosi
1 Salt Spitter turtle, chopped
2 Cybe mushrooms, sauteed
5 quarts demon’s blood
2 sticks of butter
Heat demon’s blood and butter over Carved Fire Staff to 300 degrees. Do not use Earth Enchantment or similar enhancements, as the arcane energies from these skills will cause congealing. Stir in turtle. Keep heat at 300 degrees, stir occasionally. When mixture has turned a pale mucous-green, add mushrooms and Karkinosi. The Karkinosi will squirm and attempt to kill you as you thrust them into the bubbling mixture, but do not let this bother you – causing pain to monsters is what heroes are born to do.
Once the death struggles have ceased, lower heat. Let simmer for 3 hours. Serve and enjoy!
Report from the Front
Such sweet music, the wailing of men.
The siege continues, My Lord. My blade cuts through their soldiers like a scythe through wheat. I feast upon their sorrow, their despair. We have taken the Styx and the Tower of Judgment, and even the fields of Elysium themselves have begun to fall. They send their greatest heroes, men of legends, yet they are no match for the power of your armies. We fall upon them like locusts upon the field, ripping their very souls from existence. Not even the comfort of death awaits those foolish enough to oppose us.
Soon, our dominance shall be complete. You shall hold the world of the living in the palm of your hand, a bauble for your amusement. I pray to Your Eminence for that day to come, pray for the day when the death can stop – and the torture begin.
Ode to the Night
by Minkah, Lord of Poesy
The ball of fire in the sky
It rises daily, I know not why
But when it falls and goes away
The Nightstalkers come out to play.
We do not pinch, we do not bite
But all the same, you’ll fear the night.
We fling our bolts of shadow true
We try our best to destroy you!
So ‘ware young hero, heed me well
We come from Hades, not from Hell
But just the same, you’ll be the one
To fall to those who shun the sun.